Seed

"An idea is like a virus. Resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define, or destroy you."

Like I said about Inception-- a lot of the themes really echoed with me. This was one of them. And the more I look at different ideas that have taken hold of my life and the root of them, the more I discover about myself.

For example, all those self-esteem issues I have as far as looks or being liked. This all stemmed from when I was a kid. The being-liked part comes mostly from not being accepted because I was the only Asian in a predominately-White community. Racism out the wazoo. The looks part mostly comes from when I was a kid, and my "best friend" at the time telling me that I always had to be the slave girl or "horse" or whatever other demeaning creature she needed me to be so she could feel like and be the princess. And I was never the princess. Because if I were to be the princess, she promised, "I'm not going to be your friend anymore." Or the ever popular, "This is my house. You have to do what I say." Which goes back to the feeling of desperately needing to be liked.

I've also been reading this book, and one of the things it mentions is the power of our words. If we are told that we are something LONG enough, we begin to believe it. If we are constantly told we are fat, ugly, dumb, stupid, a mess-up, a mistake-- that's how we see ourselves. And everything we do attempts to combat (or accommodate) those ideas. Which goes back to our beginning quote-- those little ideas come to define or destroy us. Or both.

Another idea that has defined me is that of artist or artistry. Or pain being intermingled with pleasure and that Life is a beautiful struggle. That in chaos there is beauty.

I imagine this comes from my family-- my parents fought a lot when my sister and I were kids, but we managed to have beautiful little pockets of love as a family here and there. We weren't completely messed up, though we had our moments. Our house was always been one of love mixed with fury, strength mixed with moments of weakness and desperation so heartbreaking that I imagine God's heart broke and the breaking resonated through the Heavens.

But now that idea has grown like a virus to make me feel like if there ISN'T fighting or struggle or dissonance within a relationship, maybe something is wrong. If there isn't a push and push-back, something isn't right. But is that what it's supposed to be like? I don't know.

Other seeds of ideas I can see are forming right now and spreading their roots. Old ideas are being overturned, while others have become mustard trees-- demanding faith I don't have for truths that aren't real, all the while defining or destroying me-- at times, both.

But really, it's the veracity-- the REALity of these ideas that gets to me. Even if I have an idea, if it stems from somewhere false, then it is meaningless and useless to me. What's more-- it reveals a root of falsehood. Thus, like perceptions of beauty and self-worth, if I do not perceive the real seed existent not within dreams but within reality, then I am led to be defined or destroyed by a falsehood.