Transgressions

"Time was stolen from us."

So I just watched inception. It evoked a lot of strong emotions from me, even though it didn't make me cry (not like Pixar movies do... the tricky little buggers). And perhaps it's the expresso + condensed milk, but I can't stop my heart from beating 500 million miles a minute.

I've never been that "sucked in" for a movie. Usually, I'm able to step back and breathe and realize that I am not directly affected by the movie. But for some reason, this movie really stepped within my realm of consciousness (no jokes or play on words intended).

Maybe because I felt like this movie kept up. Or maybe because so many of the ideas and themes resonated with things I always think about.

The veracity of reality. The manipulation of emotions or perception. Guilt. The manipulation of others. How the figures of our dreams capture emotions or evoke senses within us. Images that push the limits of reality-- things we can't forget that seem so real as we can't draw the line between what we remember versus what we've dreamed.

I mean, truth be told... It wasn't that the movie was completely unpredictable. Or that the writing was perfect. BUT-- I think what seals the deal for me are the presentation of those themes. There was a certain rawness that appeals to the senses.

And if dreams are how we process reality, messages from God, messages not-- a level of understanding that floats around in ways we are unaware. And how people dream similar dreams-- teeth falling out, old men, wise women, haunted houses, skeletons-- there's a level of consciousness basic to all of us that [perhaps] transcends culture and understanding.

Again, the blending of reality and dreams into something else.

And the quote first said is taken from [don't laugh] Tomb Raider (the first one). It's when Lara is talking to her father about time being taken away by his death. I love the way it's phrased... no one knows who stole the time but there's a sense of belonging tied to it. That, as father and daughter, they deserved time together but it was taken away-- not necessarily abruptly but definitely unjustly.

I know that we as human beings are not necessarily entitled to anything God does not decide to give (NB: I'm not talking about social, civic, or human rights here. I'm talking about Life.) But I think the tie-in occurs in that I wish I still had time to spend with my dad. I wish we were as close as we used to be. And in some ways, I feel like the way I am with my family, the way we act with one another, is a facade. And I wonder... if my dad dies working, is that the last I'm going to see him? Is that all we have left-- "happy" periods of time when he can visit... never the reality of a relationship again?

Human relationships are messy. We screw things up. Say things we don't mean. Make each other cry, laugh, smile, scream. Films, songs, books devoted to exploring the depth of our soul. And yet, for all our exploration, how little we truly understand ourselves.

On some level, I'd love to have an argument with my dad. Because then it'd mean we'd been around each other long enough to discover something we don't agree about.

Not that I love discord. I just miss the reality our relationship used to possess.

On some level, it's the same with my mom. Sometimes, when she calls, all we do is talk about whether I've eaten and what I'm doing at the moment. If I let it, that's where the conversation dies. I don't think my mother knows how to talk to me. She believes the best in me-- that's for sure. Up to levels I don't understand or deserve [which is very much like God-- how He can see the best in us that we are unable to see in ourselves]. But if I don't push the conversation forward, it will settle. Like dust on old shelves filled with forgotten things. Things I used to use every day but have now lost sight of or outgrown.

I very much believe that everything is connected, which is another point Inception touches on. So many details are connected, and webs are woven.

Another song I've been obsessed with lately is "In Exile" by Thrice. There's ideas in it that also echo a lot with me: not having my roots set down anywhere, a heart that longs for eternity, feeling out of place in this world, a transience I can't explain. We played it after getting out of the theater, and the melody suits well with the emotions the movie evoked.

I guess... the violence of it. The back-and-forth. The "kick." (which is another theme I've had echoed at times. A little girl of about ten or eleven with freckles and a bright blue swimmer's cap, hot pink bathing suit. Eyes closed tight with a crooked-tooth grin as she falls into a bright blue pool of ice water. Falling off a cliff in hopes someone will catch me. Wanting to jump to my death, falling off buildings. Jumping into pools of water, clothes and all just to feel the rush of coolness on my skin.) The desperation of it. Searching for something. The urgency.

"My heart is filled with songs of forever,
A city that ensures where all is made new."